Ok. Here goes. I was asked to weigh in on matters of race and camping on the Girl Camper Facebook page yesterday. A question was posed by the white mother of a biracial daughter wondering whether POC had experienced racism while camping. She wanted to camp alone with her daughter but was proactive in asking whether people thought they would be warmly received. Normal mother thought. Many replies noted that campers are some of the friendliest people in the world, and she should just go ahead and camp and not worry about it. This was followed by those who thought those replies were dismissive and uneducated and launched into schooling those unaware of their ignorance on the seriousness of the matter. As often happens with hot topics, the dialogue became shaming and condemning with posters unleashing their point of view on those they consider less woke, and the admin on duty shut down the comments until I could get a look at what was happening. I was tagged and asked to comment on my own experiences being the mother of children of color and a camper too.
Some family background first though. My husband and I have four children. Two biologicals, affectionately referred to as the “prototypes” – one adopted foster child who came to us at age three and was officially adopted at age eight. Rounding up the kids is our bonus son Stephen, a Ghanese immigrant my son brought home for dinner one night and who still lives with us six years later. We taught him to drive, helped him acclimate to his new country and were incredibly proud to stand by him, and see him sworn in as a US citizen last year. We are mom and dad to him. He is son to us and when he gets married later this year his Ghanese wife is moving in too.
Within the extended family is the prototype son’s beautiful girlfriend from China. She has been in the country for five years now having left all family behind to make a better life for herself in this land of opportunity. She is vegan but makes the best pork meals and loves feeding us. She is pure joy and we love that she adds her customs to our family gatherings. Add in my Filipino nephews, my Aussie niece and brother in law and the youngest grandchild in our family, our adopted niece from Ethiopia. It is pretty much the United Nations in my family. With so many ethnicities, no one gets to stand out. We are just a modern-day family not unlike many others. It is a far cry from the Ozzie and Harriet world my parents raised us in, and no one wants it any other way.
Coming back to the topic of whether the camping community is welcoming to people of color, the real question that came to dominate the thread was, “Do white people understand that this mother was preemptively protecting her child from being wounded?” She wanted to know if her child would be treated well or looked upon differently. Let me tell you, folks, this is something all mothers do. We scour the crowd for the emotional assassins waiting to take down our children’s confidence with a, “What are you doing here look?” It was a fair question to be sure.
The unsettling thing for me was that unless you have raised a child of color, or a disabled child or a child who struggles to be part of the whole, you only know what your experiences are and you shouldn’t really say things like, “Don’t make it a racist thing. Just go camping.” Sadly, approaching any social setting with the attitude that I just won’t see the race factor, therefore it won’t really be there, is not how it works. The person of color is not the one holding those cards. She can’t stop a race thing from happening because it happens to her, not by her.
My daughter tells me she has not one single memory of ever being made to feel “less than” while camping. She in fact feels quite at home in that world and feels that campers are indeed some of the most open people in the world. That has been her experience, but it is not everyone’s. If I pulled into a campground flying a Rebel flag, as black friends of mine recently did with their three beautiful boys, I would turn around so fast your head would spin off. I would not ask my daughter to spend her day under that symbol of oppression and think that was okay.
All my daughter’s camping experiences have been good ones but not all of her “black girl out in the world just trying to live my life” experiences have been. Systemic racism is a thing. Sorry, white friends, but it is. Just saying that it is not, doesn’t make it so. There are other things too, but that’s not what we’re talking about right now. Although we have come a long way, we are not there yet as a country. It is out there in insidious and overt forms. It takes our children down. It makes them constantly aware of themselves in ways most white people cannot even imagine. Their driving. How and where a woman holds her pocketbook. What you’re putting in your grocery cart. A late bill can feel like a failure for the whole community and not just an oversight. The feeling of constantly proving yourself gets exhausting.
There is a shame attached to walking into a designer pocketbook store, after having saved for months to buy that dream bag, and the two college-aged white sales girls behind the counter never bother to look up and ask if there is something you would like to see.
A chunk of the soul is extracted when makeup shopping with your white girlfriends and you break off to find the darker tones and are shadowed by store security while your friends roam the store freely.
There is humiliation when the high school boy across from the lunch table announces to the whole room, for no particular reason, that you are so dark you could be considered purple. What? I ‘m just eating lunch here!
When you have nestled a sobbing child in your arms and tried to infuse her with value that others do not see, you are on high alert. You do due diligence. You mom it!! You do not want every outing to be a lesson in what is wrong with people and how you are “perfect just the way you are!” We all know kids don’t believe a word their mother’s say at that age! You just want to live your life, but you are on silent guard all the time scanning situations for things that will hurt your children.
At Girl Camper I wanted to create an environment where we could all just be people. Not defined by marital status, age, ethnicity, weight, color, orientation, finances, or any other labels we like to put on people. Tall order, I know! I wanted to shift the paradigm that we see happening in this country. The one in which the focus is on how deeply our particular subculture is mistreated by the unevolved, instead of focusing on what unites us. Where does this end? Who is the most wounded? This is a game kids play with parents. Everyone vying for the top spot of the most disenfranchised among the disenfranchised. My wound is bigger!! I’m the most put upon. It was worse for me!! No one wins this game. Everyone leaves empty and no one gets their needs met. Lose. Lose.
At Girl Camper, I took the view of looking for the common denominator rather than at how different we are. Commonalties are what unite us. Our love of camping, outdoors, empowering women to go it alone. I will freely admit that I don’t have the mental energy to get down all the talking points for each person’s particular injury and keep my own in check at the same time. Adult children of alcoholics, abuse survivors, addiction and recovery, parental abandonment, children with mental illness, loss of a child, unwanted divorce, racism, sexism, ageism…. I have heard it all around the campfire. It’s a really broken world out there and good help is hard to find. That’s why we camp!! Nature is so healing, and God can work in nature much easier than He can on social media.
I learned a big lesson on my very first camp out with the Girl Campers fifteen years ago that made me look deeply into how I view women who don’t possess the same point of view that I do. I arrived at the campground late knowing no one. I took my collapsible chair and placed it in the only open spot around a fire ring of twenty or so women. As soon as I introduced myself to the lady on my left, I knew I was not in Kansas anymore. She was in a red and black, fairly dirty old wool coat. She was wearing beat-up old Army boots, with the tongue hanging out and laces dragging like she didn’t want to bother to tie them because she would just have to untie them later anyhow. She had on a backward baseball hat, a cooler with beer cans next to her, and a pretty good stacked pyramid of empties already going. My first thought was, “This is going to be a long night.” We sat side by side for the next two hours chatting about our camping stories and places we’ve been but mostly we talked about our grandmothers and how much we loved them. I had a blanket on my lap that my Grandmother had made, and she had a similar one from her grandmother. All the time we chatted, she continued to steadily consume another three to four cans of beer but never appeared drunk in any way. She was amiable and welcoming on every level. She was good company. At the end of the evening as people were packing up she said to me, “Let me give you a hug! I am leaving early tomorrow for work, so I probably won’t see you in the morning. ”I couldn’t imagine how she was getting out of the campground early considering what I had just watched her consume in alcohol, but I was happy to hug her. As we were parting I asked what she did for a living. Her reply stunned me.
“I am a pediatric, oncology, hospice nurse.”
Wait?
What?
Did she just say three words that should never be spoken in the same sentence? Her job is helping kids die and supporting grieving parents simultaneously?
I know that there is not enough booze produced in the northern hemisphere for me to be able to do that job. No wonder she is out here cutting loose with the girls once a month. I am certain I’d be inpatient somewhere if it was me but, she had a system for doing what is probably one of the hardest jobs in the world.
As I walked back to my camper I just felt incredible disappointment in myself for judging her. She was a person doing a really difficult and compassionate job and I only saw her outer appearance and alcohol intake.
While driving back to NJ I thought a lot about how small my world was. It was full of people from my neighborhood, whose kids went to the same school as mine, who dressed like me, voted like me, thought like me. They were my people and they were not bringing in any new points of view. That was the beginning of how Girl Camper changed the lens I viewed life through.
As I camped more and more, I began meeting and getting to know women whose lives were not like mine. I began to the process of stopping the sorting machine, of categorizing women as those who “get it” and those that “don’t get it.” The “it” being my point of view of course. When you sit around a campfire and you hear a woman’s tale of a husband that dropped the ball and left her holding the bag with three kids to raise and no money to do it with who is also taking care of aging parents and battling an autoimmune disorder and clinical depression, you realize that her point of view is based on her life experiences. It’s not our place to tell her what we think, offer our wisdom on the subject, or judge her responses to her circumstances. It’s our job to say, “How can I help you? I am sorry that happened to you. I think you are so brave. I really admire the job you’re doing alone as a mother.” When we do less than that we remove her humanity. We strip her of her personhood and reduce her to a political ideology that we are either “for” or “against.” What box will she go in? Where should we put the carcass of the human we just skinned alive?
I had to stop looking at women as people who were either on board with my ideals or not, and start looking at them as living flesh in a very broken world. People doing their best with all that life throws at them. I had to really work on seeing them as the children of God that I know they are. Nothing is bigger than that! Nothing. He who created me and loves me with infinite love also created them and loves them with infinite love. If I could look at each of them as siblings of the same Father and remember that we are more alike than different, maybe I could stop expecting other people to get on my page? Maybe, rather than “tolerate” them, I could actually love them. The greatest of goals.
That is what this community is about. It’s about people being made welcome wherever they are in their journeys. You don’t have to have it figured out. We’ll hold space for you. You can join us with your imperfections and count on us to not ask you to be more than you can be. We’ll give you time to get to know us without expecting you to understand everything that ails us and respond according to the current wisdom on the subject. You can sit here and not have anyone tell you what’s wrong with your thinking. When the campfire is lit and we circle it, let’s imagine that the light coming from the center is The Light, the Father’s loving light, and it is illuminating each loved face in the circle equally and bringing Peace to a broken world. It’s the only cure that can truly mend us. Let’s do that for each other.
Beautiful. I pray your words do not fall on deaf ears. Keep telling the truth . Shinning your light. The work he has begun in you is his until he has completed it and he will not let you down. I pray the page stays as wonderful as it has been in the past. Such kind and amazing women aboard this exceptional journey in life. Lots of love, hugs and prayer for you sweet lady. Now grab your girlfriends and go camping!
Bless you!!! Brought me to tears and gave me hope. Thank you.
Amazing! I want to be apart of this group. How do I?
You already are Colleen! At Girl Camper there is no membership fee, no numbers, and no wrong way to Camp Like A Girl. Head over to our website and look at our events page and just sign up. If you don’t see something near you, reach out to us at [email protected] and volunteer to be a hostess. Hope we see you at the campground.
Wow. What a compassionate and enlightened piece of writing.
Thank you! That’s all I can say. This was beautifully written.
Janine, I have no words, beautiful thoughts, beautifully written. Thank you xo
Beautiful and inspiring response – thank you Janine!
That brought me to tears. How beautiful. How very well said.
Thank you and bless you. Girl Camping is your ministry girl.
xo
Monica
Beautiful Janine. When I’m out in nature camping I don’t follow news; just local weather. I won’t engage in political hype on FB or in person when I’m listening to the songs of nature. This past week took 5 days to camp at a beautiful lake an hour away. I took my dog Bentley on his 2d camping trip. Due to life threatening medical reasons it was my 1st trip in 18 months. Bentley went Lake swimming with me 1st time. I also was stressed because I am a cruise addict and 3 got canceled this year. Lije so many people have been socially isolated but lucky my already telecommute job was still intact. I invited a friend along to share laughter and a warm inviting camp Fire. With separate sites and tents, we maintained COVID protocols. I have decided on a trailer to purchase next year. This year bought the pickup truck to tow her with. As luck would have it, a few sites down was a family whose grandfather owned the rig I want and my truck. I asked him if he wouldn’t mind answering a few questions. He was friendly and gave me tips about towing and how he loved it.
My friend came over and in front of him chastised me for even dare speaking to someone who had a Trump 2020 sign outside on display. We argued about this. He and I have opposite political views. But our discussion was about CAMPING and helping. On the morning we left, I was unable to help her put her kayak up on top of her roof rack. But he saw us struggle and came over. She fussed but told her to accept his generosity. So I see more and more on camping and cruising sites the social issues and conflicts and whom to blame.
I’m not going to know what it’s like to walk in someone else’s shoes. But at almost 70, from NYC originally and living globally, I’ve seen and experienced quite alot. But when I’m by a lake, in woods, or on the ocean it’s about communing with what is good in nature; as the song goes Im immersed in my Father’s World. Yes there are things that will cause concern from racism to theft of equipment to fear of dangers that lurk when traveling alone as a woman. We cannot control other’s behavior. We can only control our reactions. We have to adapt to being diligent and aware of our surroundings in concert with taking in beauty that surrounds us.
May our trails be happy and safe ones. May we continue to help each other to enjoy better our camping experiences.
Thank you for so elequently putting in words your wisdom, and sharing your personal stories.
I am hopeful, that some day I will be able to sit by your campfire ❤
Thank you for you wonderfully thoughtful response. It resonated with my soul.
This really spoke to my heart. I’ve been struggling with these issues and want to be better at recognizing my own biases so I can be a better ally. Thank you so much!
Janine, I’ve held you in high esteem and respected you so, so much ALWAYS, but these words and insight have taken things up several notches. I pray all who read this will see life thru new eyes, a fresh perspective, and regenerated love for our fellow campers…and all mankind. Thank you for sharing your heart in such a compassionate and brilliantly conveyed piece. Thank you. Thank you.,
Thank you, Janine and well said
Thank you for your beautiful and thoughtful response.
Beautifully written! Amen!
Thank you for sharing. I have child that has ADHD and kids their age don’t get them but many adults do. They are smart but socially behind. It is my biggest wish that every once in awhile someone shows them Grace.
I truly hope your post is read by everyone who commented on the original posting.
I read that post and since I had no insight to share with this mother I left no comment
But I did feel for her and thought her concerns were certainly valid. I thought many of the replies she recieved were dismissive and thoughtless and I would hope we can all be more understanding and put more thought into our replies. Happy Camping!
Such a beautiful story. Love the compassion, and the humbling experience. Would love to sit a camp fire with you.
I am quite sure you don’t realize the brilliance of your words Janine. All who have the privilege of knowing you and those who have yet to meet you will be blessed from the opportunity.
“When the campfire is lit and we circle it, let’s imagine that the light coming from the center is The Light, the Father’s loving light, and it is illuminating each loved face in the circle equally and bringing Peace to a broken world. It’s the only cure that can truly mend us. Let’s do that for each other.”
I pray for your continued Safe Adventures!
Yes!
I’m in tears. Thanks for sharing your personal story. It touch me a great deal. Love to you and your family!
THANK YOU! Well said, and lots to think about.
Well said, and lots to think about. Thank you for your insight and experience.
Bless you Janine for your compassion and wisdom. I too hope that all who have been upset will think about how responses could have been different.
I’m in tears. Thanks for sharing your personal story. It touch me a great deal. Love to you and your family!
Janine, I appreciate your viewpoint and words that I consider thoughtful and wise.
Thank you for your insight and experience. I appreciate you words.
Beautiful Janine. When I’m out in nature camping I don’t follow news; just local weather. I won’t engage in political hype on FB or in person when I’m listening to the songs of nature. This past week took 5 days to camp at a beautiful lake an hour away. I took my dog Bentley on his 2d camping trip. Due to life threatening medical reasons it was my 1st trip in 18 months. Bentley went Lake swimming with me 1st time. I also was stressed because I am a cruise addict and 3 got canceled this year. Lije so many people have been socially isolated but lucky my already telecommute job was still intact. I invited a friend along to share laughter and a warm inviting camp Fire. With separate sites and tents, we maintained COVID protocols. I have decided on a trailer to purchase next year. This year bought the pickup truck to tow her with. As luck would have it, a few sites down was a family whose grandfather owned the rig I want and my truck. I asked him if he wouldn’t mind answering a few questions. He was friendly and gave me tips about towing and how he loved it.
My friend came over and in front of him chastised me for even dare speaking to someone who had a Trump 2020 sign outside on display. We argued about this. He and I have opposite political views. But our discussion was about CAMPING and helping. On the morning we left, I was unable to help her put her kayak up on top of her roof rack. But he saw us struggle and came over. She fussed but told her to accept his generosity. So I see more and more on camping and cruising sites the social issues and conflicts and whom to blame.
I’m not going to know what it’s like to walk in someone else’s shoes. But at almost 70, from NYC originally and living globally, I’ve seen and experienced quite alot. But when I’m by a lake, in woods, or on the ocean it’s about communing with what is good in nature; as the song goes Im immersed in my Father’s World. Yes there are things that will cause concern from racism to theft of equipment to fear of dangers that lurk when traveling alone as a woman. We cannot control other’s behavior. We can only control our reactions. We have to adapt to being diligent and aware of our surroundings in concert with taking in beauty that surrounds us.
May our trails be happy and safe ones. May we continue to help each other to enjoy better our camping experiences.
Loved this!
So beautifully written and enlightening. Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences so that we may all “think” the next time we meet someone new.
More honest and beautiful words have never been spoken.
Thank you… now I’m headed to the woods! I love a campfire, but it never had so much meaning until now.
Outstanding post. I can’t think of a better way to address the conversation. Peace be with you, sister.
Beautifully and wonderfully said.
As a mother of 3 biracial children (they are now adults), I only wish I could have expressed myself so eloquently. My kids have strong personalities and were able to handle many situations that I only wish they didn’t have to, but it made them stronger. We had many conversations about uneducated and racist people and they learned to handle discrimination with tact and in some cases love. I only hope that all campers put on their non-color, non-judgemental glasses and go have a wonderful camping experience with everyone they meet. I have and hope you have a blessed camping day.
Girl power is from God’s Power. Every word was from the heart and I know everyone felt your honest, thoughtful, & loving words. The Lord Jesus is our example to live by and your doing a fabulous job. The two greatest commandments- 1. Love the Lord God with all your heart. (2.) Love your neighbor(fellow camper) as yourself.
Beautiful
This sums up so much!! Just beautiful ♥️
Wow, the whole world should read this. goosebumps here. Thank you
Beautiful! Just beautiful! I can’t imagine anything else needing to be added. Thank you so much for sharing!
Thank you for encouraging the discussion and for sharing your story. It heartens my soul to know that Girl Camper is a place where we can talk about the real things we encounter out there and support each other.
Thank you for these words
Thank you for your eloquent and moving message, Janine. I too look for our common denominators.. we are all human and we are all hurting in some way. I’d hope and would like to think that camping brings out the best in us, and helps us heal individually and communally. I hope and pray that someday soon all will be able to feel safe and welcome around the campfire, and will open my arms and heart to those seeking refuge.
So we’ll said, Janine. Thank you for crafting this thoughtful response.
The world is a better place because if you, Janine.
And although I don’t have a camper, or even camp right now, I love this group and read every post and listen to every podcast. I know I want to be a part of such support, love and fun… someday. SOMEDAY❣️
What a wonderful reply. It brought tears to my eyes. I grew up in the 60’s and racism was really in your face. I was my mom’s translator and remember having to translate horrible words toward her and about her. I just read a great book that helped answer so many questions. The third option by Miles McPhearson. Blessings to You.
My little light of mine…
Human Family (Maya Angelou)
I note the obvious differences
in the human family.
Some of us are serious,
some thrive on comedy.
Some declare their lives are lived
as true profundity,
and others claim they really live
the real reality.
The variety of our skin tones
can confuse, bemuse, delight,
brown and pink and beige and purple,
tan and blue and white.
I’ve sailed upon the seven seas
and stopped in every land,
I’ve seen the wonders of the world
not yet one common man.
I know ten thousand women
called Jane and Mary Jane,
but I’ve not seen any two
who really were the same.
Mirror twins are different
although their features jibe,
and lovers think quite different thoughts
while lying side by side.
We love and lose in China,
we weep on England’s moors,
and laugh and moan in Guinea,
and thrive on Spanish shores.
We seek success in Finland,
are born and die in Maine.
In minor ways we differ,
in major we’re the same.
I note the obvious differences
between each sort and type,
but we are more alike, my friends,
than we are unalike.
We are more alike, my friends,
than we are unalike.
We are more alike, my friends,
than we are unalike.
Thank you!
Amen, Janine! Well said! Thank you for sharing so much about your family & your heart! We’ve never met in person , but this former NJ gal has followed you online for a long time. I feel I know so much more about who you really are now & my respect just grew tenfold! You’re absolutely right that it’s so much about what we have in common, not our differences. Thank you for so eloquently sharing!
Thank you so much for sharing this. Such important perspectives to remember as we meet people on the road of life. You never know….you can’t imagine….you must listen and learn.
Thank you for sharing your experience and wisdom. I want to learn more about racism so I can be part of the change, and I appreciate people who are willing to teach me.
Your conclusions echo my own . . . loving one another and giving grace to one another, understanding that everyone is doing the best they can in any given moment (even at their worst — something in their story makes them that way at that time) and at their best (there’s usually support and resilience to get them there).
Love is the only low-stress response we can make toward others. Unconditional love is easy once you get the hang of it and recognize that sometimes it works best from a distance. Judging others is stressful and stress kills.
In a few years, I expect to be blessed with a bi-racial grandchild (or two) and I hope the world is better for them than it is today.
I appreciate your perspectives and the openness with which you shared your insights. I believe diversity makes humanity stronger and the sooner we recognize that truth, the easier folks will find it to value those who are different from themselves. How boring our world would be if we were all the same.
What a beautiful prayer, your words…
Such wisdom is so appreciated!!!! ❤️
So beautiful. Made me cry big tears. What a wonderful gift you are to this world! When my daughter and husband and I heard you speak about design at the last RV show in Boston I would have never guessed the depth of your love and compassion. Preach it girl!
Janine,
Although I did not read the posts you refer to, I can only imagine… This is by far the best thing you have ever written and in reading it I am even more proud to have the privilege of calling you my friend.
Wow I couldn’t of said it better I am a mother of two biracial children I look at the world differently since having my kids I am that mama bear he’s always looking out with someone with her children but I have learned that always remembering to think with love first have forgiveness in my heart and find joy and everything I’m going to be hitting the road very first time by myself in November 2020Not so much by myself I’ll be bringing three German Shepherd’s with me my excitement is overwhelming to discover the world God is created in to meet people who could or could not bring joy into my life is always been a desire and need yes need for myself watch out girls here I come I am in perfect I am silly I am passionate I am loving I am adventurous and I am learning
This message, spoken from the heart of a mother, is profound and uplifting to all who read it. It has been a joy to have camped with Janine and her family and consider her a true friend. Thank you for challenging us to recognize that we all have filters through which we view life. We don’t know what others have experienced and we cannot walk a mile in everyone’s shoes. But if we realize that we are loved, undeservedly and unconditionally, by our Creator, then we have a chance to extend that grace to others in this broken world. My prayer is that I would continue open my “ campfire circle” to more and more people, hearing their stories, no matter the color of their skin or their opinion about life. Thank you Janine for your encouraging and insightful words! 🤟🏽❤️
So well said, Janine. Good advice for everyday every circumstance. The gospel in a word “Love”.
This is wonderful! Thank you for your thoughts, insights, and honesty!
A big AMEN! Thank you Janine for taking a stand and living a life that walks the talk!
Janine, you are a gift!
Thank you! I love everything about this post!
Thank you for this thoughtful and powerful message.
Such a beautiful and powerful sentiment, and every word applies to each one of us–whether we’re the kids or the parents, the judge or the judged. thanks so much for sharing all of this, I love it so much.
So beautifully written. Thanks, Janine for both opening my eyes a bit further and reminding us that we are all God’s children first and foremost.
Your insightful perspective brought tears to my eyes. There is no end to the opportunities we are given for personal growth. Thank you for your compassion and love. I hope many will be blessed by your words as I have been.